Let’s Be Honest

(This is the latest post by my  wife as we chronicle the journey the Lord has us on right now.  I’m so thankful she has been willing to share her thoughts here at the Wading Pool.  I couldn’t be more proud of my bride!)

I’ve likened the last few months to being stuck inside one of those snowglobes my kids always want to play with at Christmas.  On numerous occasions lately, I’ve felt paralyzed by the weight of our current situation.  It’s like I’m standing frozen inside, all the while, watching someone lift the globe then violently shake it.  It’s as if every area of our life has been turned upside down and is now twisting and swirling around me.  Numb, I just stand and watch.  Chaos.  Total chaos.  And to be completely honest, I’m exhausted and weary.

In basically three months time, we’ve found ourselves jobless, church-less, and homeless.  There’s no job or final location in sight and bouncing from church to church each week is getting old.  Throw in the stress of prepping and selling a house, packing and moving, having our belongings in storage while we keep the roads hot between Burlington and Benson, toss in the busyness of a few holidays and raising and homeschooling three kids …. I’ve just about reached my limit.

Now I know, I know.   This is something we chose to do, our own doing, a decision we made. And believe me, we feel the pressure when people ask, “you did what?  You have no idea where you’re going?  You mean, you haven’t sent out any resumes?!”  People look at us like we are out of our minds, but for us NOT to have done this would have been in direct disobedience to what we know God is calling us to do.  When He confirms over and over in the ways that He did…we have to obey!  Although we took that step of faith, the pieces haven’t immediately fallen into place.  In fact, for the majority of that time we’ve been bombarded with a message of “wait”.  So, what do we do?  We wait.  But y’all, the waiting is hard!  So, so hard!  And I know we don’t have a monopoly on waiting and hard times.  Tons of people are going thru or have gone thru much more difficult trials than we are.    We all go through testings of our faith and right now, for us, this in one of those times.   But y’all, I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally spent.  I’m all tapped out.  I have nothing else to give.

Amazingly enough, praise God, I’m still in The Word, but even that time has morphed into something very different.  As silly as it sounds, I miss my big “Ebenezer” chair (1 Sam. 7:12).  I miss sitting in that comfy spot, sipping my coffee, reading my Bible, & spending time with The Lord.  Currently, it’s read a few verses here, read some there, get it in whenever and however just because it’s so crazy right now.  It’s times like these though that I’m so thankful for the psalms.  Have you read some of those gut wrenching prayers & cries?  Honest, brutally honest prayers.  Thank you, Lord!  It lets me know that I’m not alone!!!  Verses like:

Psalms 6:6 “I am worn out from sobbing.  All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.”

Psalms 13:1-2 “O Lord, how long will you forget me?  Forever?  How long will you look the other way?  How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart everyday?”

Psalms 119:81-84 “I am worn out waiting for your (the Lord’s) rescue, but I have put my hope in your word.  My eyes are straining to see your promises come true.  When will you comfort me?  I am shriveled like a wine skin in the smoke, but I have not forgotten to obey your decrees.  How long must I wait?”

Yep.  I can relate.  I can soooo relate!  But it’s also in the psalms that I read and remember the hope I have in Christ.  The hope that carries us through the storms of life.  Hope that rings out in verses like:

Psalm 18:16, 19-20  “He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters…He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me.  The Lord rewarded me for doing right.”

Psalm 139:5-10 “You go before me and follow me.  You place your hand of blessing on my head.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!  I can never escape from your Spirit!  I can never get away from your presence!  If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.  If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.” 

Psalm 13:5 “But I trust in your unfailing love.  I will rejoice because you have rescued me.  I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.”

Oh man!  Has He been good to me!!!  A sinner covered by His grace and mercy!  Thank you, Lord!!!  Passages like these remind me of His faithfulness and the times He has already rescued me and heard my honest cries.  He was faithful then.  He will be faithful now.  He’s “the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Heb. 13:8).  Remembering what He has done in times past gives me the hope and courage to stay the course.  I do rejoice & sing because He is good to me!  And I know that He who began a good work in us will complete it.

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3 thoughts on “Let’s Be Honest

  1. Wow… I can relate Mrs Amanda waiting is soooo hard but what gives me assurance is that I have hope! I too find myself reading scripture for comfort. It amazes me that there is a word for every emotion and situation you can think of.
    Also thanks for your honesty. It has once again bless me. I will continue to pray for you and Pastor Matt and the family. I know God is up to something BIG!
    Love you both!

  2. Amanda, I read your blog, God blessed you, it’s times likes these that you are remind yourself continually to keep encouraging yourself in the Lord. I know you and MATT are people of great faith. Continue to hold Gods hand tight because the ride is about to start. I love and miss you both

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