There’s only so many blogs you can write about “waiting” but that’s exactly where we’ve found ourselves over the last couple of months, ehh…year. It’s been a little reminiscent of my five year old’s constant repetition of questions and talking. Seriously, from the time my son’s tiny toes hit the floor in the morning until his precious blanket sniffing routine lures him to sleep at night …. it’s constant chatter, over and over again, always the same thing. That’s what it’s felt like with God lately. He was consistently saying “wait, wait, and wait some more”. And just like my son’s endless questions, sometimes it just gets old. You get weary of hearing the same thing all the time! One more time and you think you’ll scream! Or crumble completely.
And that’s where we were three weeks ago. While Matt was broken emotionally, I was feebly attempting to put a brave face forward. Trying my best to reassure Matt I was with him 100%. Reminding him that everything would be ok but all the while waging a war inside my own mind. Doubts, fears, confusion, anger, frustration screaming inside my brain …. what in the world are WE doing?!? God, what are YOU doing?!?
And yet again, God met us when we needed Him most. A simple answer to prayer. An opportunity for my husband to work! God physically lifted Matt’s head that day and if that wasn’t enough, He reassured ME the next morning…
On several occasions during the week prior I had actually verbalized and recorded in my journal that I felt like my prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling. It was like they were going nowhere and I was talking into thin air. So when our pastor opened the message Sunday morning by asking the congregation, “Do you ever feel like your prayers are just hitting the ceiling and going nowhere?” I’m pretty sure I laughed out loud! If I didn’t know any better I would have sworn they had bugged our room! Ha! But no. No wires or bugs just the working and moving of The Holy Spirit.
He went on to share from Luke 18: 1-8, the parable of the persistent widow. Right off, verse 1 tells us what the parable is about: “always pray and never give up”. Whoa! Ok, Lord. In the midst of our waiting He was reminding me that He does, in fact, hear me. He sees me. He loves me despite my sin and refusal to trust Him.
Oh, why do I have to be so wishy-washy in my faith? Back and forth. Up and down. It truly is a cycle. One day I’m standing on God’s promises, believing that He’s working for our good, and trusting in His timing and then the next I’m forgetting the truth, doubting He has a plan and vying for control of the situation. It’s in those moments of weakness, in the midst of my human frailty I lose perspective. I lose sight of who God is and who I am in Him.
So who is God? Even as I attempt to write this paragraph I struggle! How in the world do you put into words the greatness of The Holy God?!! I think so often I try to rationalize the mystery and wonder of God and by doing so I wrongfully confine Him to a box. In my feeble attempts to understand I end up reducing Him down and diminishing the size of who He truly is!
We’ve been singing a song at church off the newest Passion album called “Worthy of Your Name”. I think it might be a new favorite. The song speaks of God our King: “no ear has heard or eye has seen the image of the Father until Heaven came to live with me, a rescue like no other”. Fully God, fully Man…that alone is mind blowing! He’s so much higher than I can even fathom. I think it’s the bridge of the song that’s my very favorite though…
My Author, my Maker, my Ransom, my Savior, my Refuge, my Hiding Place. You’re my Helper, my Healer, my Blessed Redeemer, my Answer, my Saving Grace. You’re my Hope in the shadows, my Strength in the battles, my Anchor for all my days. And You stand by my side and You stood in my place… Jesus, no other name! YOU ARE WORTHY OF YOUR NAME!!!!
The list could go on and on, on and on… Yes Lord, You are worthy of Your name! And if that isn’t enough, the cherry on the top: HE. DOES. NOT. CHANGE!!! In fact, it’s impossible for Him to. Over and over in scripture and throughout history we see the constant motion of change – our surroundings, our circumstances, our hearts, our actions … yet He is unwavering and completely steadfast! He is the same yesterday, today, and forever! Amen!
Whether I’m grounded in the the knowledge of my faith or floundering in doubt and sin, He loves me. Period. There’s nothing I can do to make Him love me any more or to love me any less. It’s because I’ve placed my faith in Jesus and He’s forgiven my sins (and continues to forgive my sins) that I am called His own! It’s only through His grace that I belong to Him. I’m a daughter of the Most High God. I’ve been purchased, redeemed, and sealed with His Spirit. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can snatch me from His hands!!! And if “He who did not spare even His own son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else?” (Rom. 8:32) Wow, that’s humbling!!! In that case, I can trust Him to provide what I need, when and how I need it.
Oh my goodness, I’m so thankful He doesn’t parent the way I do. Where I’m prone to run low on patience and want to scream or shut down because of one too many questions He says “come to me”, “never stop asking, never stop praying”. He knows my faith will falter, He knows I’ll lose perspective of who He is and who I am in Him yet He wants me to come near. He continues to welcome me, always there with open arms, ready to receive me even in my wishy-washy faith.
“Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:8